Tuesday, June 21, 2005
by John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America: in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP, for the 97% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 3% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

>Via some circular blogging-clicking-surfing (through commentsectors in Iraqibloggoland
Hi Cile, such fun with Monthy Python's flying Circus, The Life of Brian, The holy grail, Brazil (?)
however, Cleese: http://www.pythonline.com/plugs/cleese/index.shtml

Monthy Python's 'Life of Brian'
..uhhm, well, yes...
Can we expect to see the RN sailing off the East Coast to begin bombardment of recalcitrant cities in the near future? Sounds like one hell of a tourist attraction! :)
Seems that from Holland the H.M.Tromp is 'sailing off' these days... ;)
Cile, Thanks for the heads up on the revocation but I have a few questions for those of us living in Texas

1. Concerning the questionnaire .... will it be in both English and Spanish.
2. Should those of us who grew up speaking only the King's English continue to take adult education lessons in Spanish
3. Will all calls to business enterprises begin with our having to press 1 to continue in English or 2 to continue in Espanol?
4. I personally favor the revocation since American beer is tastless but we drink it so cold we can't taste it anyway.
Again, thanks for the info and I'd like to buy you a pint the next time you're in the pub.
Oh, and most important to us Texans, will our beloved president be shot or hung and can we be a seperate entity from the other former states?
The unabbreviated version:
Does this mean we should stay away from all trains and subways? When will they begin construction of the new mosque's to house there beloved Islamic hate mongers?
I'm trying to work out whether the comment concerning trains and subways was the most recent or oldest, it's difficult to comprehend America's completely unnecessary alteration of date formats. Anyway, we were unable to prevent an attack that killed fewer than 100 people, you failed to prevent an attack that killed thousands. Oh and muslims don't live in Mosques, there is no apostrophe in mosque in the context you have written it, you meant to write 'their' instead of 'there'. And we have actually caught some of the perpetrators of the attack on Britain, and all without invading a country! Isn't that something!? And while I'm on the subject of wars, you should really invade more countries, not less- you obviously need the practice as you seem to dither about, never winning or losing wars. Vietnam- a few hundred badly armed men take pot shots at you and you wet your pants and run off. Iraq- you invade the country, take a dictator out of power and still manage to make the inhabitants hate you so much they throw as many car bombs as they can at you. I have left out Afghanistan, as I do not consider walking into a big empty space with soldiers an invasion.

I am not mad at you for making your comment about Britain's immigration policy, we ARE too lenient, but at some point we will fix it because we can. No, I am mad at you because you are an ignorant American and contrary to what many of you might think, it's not just paranoia, everybody DOES hate you. (I'm not referring to all Americans in that statement, just the author of that comment, there are many normal Americans I am sure, they just emigrate to other countries at 18 and adopt new accents. Good choice.)
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